Year's End
by M03-DZM
Summary: Multi-chap. Response to Yullen week challenge. As the year draws to a close and the final stand against the Earl approaches, Kanda fears for his sanity. That he can't get a certain exorcist off of his mind doesn't help either. Chapter Two: Comfort
1. Seasonal

A/N: In response to Yullen week. I started this fic a while ago and planned it out, but I had to leave it for a while. I have no idea how long it will take me to finish this, though I do have the entire story in my head. Enjoy and happy Yullen week! Also, please don't be put off on the lack of Yullen interaction in the prologue. This fic is Kanda centric and this just gives the setting of the story. Plenty of Yullen to come. Please review!

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**_Prologue:_**

There was something to be said for the change in atmosphere autumn brought. The way everything died in an explosion of color, while slightly morbid, was still beautiful. Leaves brightly swaying in the chill winds until swept away, grass cheerfully crackling under enthusiastic feet, and a crystal clear sky bringing a sense of peace. All of it, lies. Things were dying. Period. There was nothing cheerful about the fact. If anything it was foreboding; a prelude to the violent storms to come.

To say Kanda hated fall was an understatement. It was worse than winter because at least in winter he could deal with it head on as opposed to the preceding season where he'd spend all of his time dreading the coming of winter, unable to do anything about it. And this year was the worst of all.

The final battle was coming. Soon. It was somewhat fitting, Kanda mused, that its approach would coincide with the dying of a year. A century in fact. Or rather, a millennium. According to Komui, Central had calculated that the final and largest attack would occur sometime mid-December give or take a week, leaving the Order scrambling to prepare while still settling into a new routine after moving out of the old headquarters.

Which brought Kanda back to where he was at the moment; in a village to fulfill his mission of finding a reported innocence and searching for any potential exorcists. The destroying of any akuma he happened upon went without saying. Children played in piles of leaves as mothers scolded them for not doing their chores while wiping floury hands on their aprons and men greeted each other in the streets on their way from work hurrying home to the smell of baking and spices.

Didn't these people know how futile it was? That by the end of the year they most likely would be dead, or worse? Yet here they were blissfully ignorant of the destruction the Noah had already wrought on the world and even less aware of the impending calamity the Earl would bring in mere weeks.

Kanda left the village in disgust. None of the innocence he carried reacted to the villagers and the innocence he was searching for was most likely in an outlying area. He would be relieved to finish his mission and hopefully get another that had less contact with humans. He wasn't certain his sanity could take it.


	2. Protest

A/N: Ok, I feel really bad that I just kind of abandoned this fic early on and made it late to this Yullen week thing, so I stayed up 'till 3:30 in the morning writing this for you guys instead of waiting. This is unbeta'd so I apologize for any mistakes, and please review if you catch any, whether its grammatical or errors in following cannon. This chapter is dedicated to Digimagic for being kind enough to review and really its thanks to them that I decided to finally write this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy, and please review!

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**_Chapter 1_**

After an incident involving a particularly crotchety old lady and her teapot while getting the innocence (he would never look at tea the same way _ever_ again), Kanda ended up several hours behind meeting up with the rest of the retrieval team. As he walked into the wooded clearing designated as the meeting point, he was mildly relieved to notice he was not the last to arrive. Lavi, Allen, and Miranda were there along with a few others Kanda assumed were innocence compatible, though Bookman, it seemed, was running behind schedule as well. The only ones to notice his return were Lavi, who immediately waved him over, and a man sitting on a log apart from everyone observing from over his clenched hands. Ignoring the man's scrutiny, Kanda made his way over to Lavi.

Noticing Kanda's lack of company, Lavi smirked good naturedly. "Heh? What did you do, Yuu? Scare everyone away? Man, even Miranda found two people! You're slippin' man, slippin'!"

Kanda just sent him a cutting glare. Crossing his arms, he turned to study everyone else in the clearing. Besides the man, there was an older woman and two young kids, a girl and a boy who could not have been more than fourteen and ten respectively. They were sitting around Miranda and Allen who were attempting to placate the scared expressions on their faces. Kanda was positive the young boy would cry at any second.

Kanda looked back at Lavi with a frown on his face. Lavi met his look and nodded. "Yeah man. While I'm surprised and kinda glad we found so many, I'm still worried about how young those two are. With the way things are going, its not like they're gonna have much time to train and go on missions to get used to fighting akuma."

Kanda gave a non-committal grunt and moved to lean against a tree to wait for Bookman. Whether anyone liked it or not those kids were going to have to fight. They wouldn't be the first to fight so young.

Lavi moved to join him and took it upon himself to explain each compatible's story. "See that guy over there? He's got a young wife and three kids, but as soon as I explained what was going on and said he was matched with an innocence, he agreed to come to the order, at least to find out more. Miranda's the one that found that lady and the boy. From what I understand that woman is her village's healer, so she really didn't want to leave. I have no idea what Miranda said to her to get her to come this far. That kid though… I feel really sorry for him. It seems his family couldn't be happier to get rid of him. Looking at how skinny he is, his family is probably poor with too many mouths to feed. I don't know much about that girl Allen found."

Kanda closed his eyes and leaned his head against the trunk. "Che. Why are you telling me all of this? I could care less."

"Play it off all you want Yuu-man, but I know you. You're just as worried as I am."

"Whatever," Kanda murmured.

"What's up with you today? You're way more quiet than usual." Lavi peered over at Kanda curiously. "Something happen?"

"No. It's nothing."

Lavi quirked an eyebrow. "Whatever you say, man."

The two stood together in silence, watching the scene before them. The boy had started crying and had buried his face in Miranda's abdomen, though thankfully she seemed comfortable enough with children to take him into her arms to soothe him. Allen was left to try to earnestly explain things to the healer who seemed to get angrier by the minute and the girl who didn't seem too far behind the boy in bawling her eyes out.

"You know," Lavi began, "Lately Allen seems to be really tired. He's constantly on missions now that he can control the ark. I heard that right after we get back, he's supposed to head back out with Crow-man, Lenalee, Marie, and Chaoji. And with the higher-ups breathing down his neck all the time…. I really don't know how he does it. Speaking of, any idea why Link isn't here?"

Kanda just shook his head. He'd been wondering the same thing. Looking closer at Allen though, he had to agree with Lavi's assessment. Allen played it off really well with his smiles and gentle laughter, but anyone that knew him could see the strain around his eyes and the fixed quality of his smile. Much more, Kanda mused, and that mask of his would fall apart. It was then that Bookman finally showed up with another woman in tow.

"What the _hell_ do you mean I have no choice? You mean to tell me I have to leave my kids at the mercy of my neighbors to help you in some heroic farce that could leave them motherless!?"

"Uh-oh," Lavi muttered. He moved to intercept the two new-comers before they could interrupt the already delicate situation, but it was already too late.

The healer had heard the mother's protests and cried out, "See! That's exactly what I mean! How am I supposed to just leave my village without help? This is the season when most illnesses hit! And I'm supposed to just _leave_ them and most likely get killed in the process?"

Allen looked alarmed. "No! That's not--!"

"And what about my family?" The man finally spoke up. "I understand you need help and only certain people can do it, but how can I be expected to just up and leave? My wife is young and it's nearing winter. She won't be able to handle things on her own. She and my children could die!"

All at once everyone began talking and yelling over each other, each trying to get their individual points across.

"Please understand! It's not like--!"

"You can't force me to leave--!"

"I wanna go home!"

"Hey, calm down!"

"--My family!"

"I beg you! Don't make me leave my brothers!"

"Hush, its ok."

"I don't wanna die! I wanna go _home_!"

"I will _NOT_ leave my kids! I will fight you if I have to!"

This was getting out of hand. Something had to be done or things could get ugly. That, and Kanda had really just had enough.

"SHUT UP! All of you!"

Everyone stopped and stared at the, until now, mostly unnoticed exorcist.

"I don't care what you know or think you know, but the fact of the matter is if you go home you and your loved ones _will_ die! No question. If there are not enough exorcists to fight off akuma when the Millennium Earl decides to make his final attack, the world as we know it will end. You worry for your families? Your lives? The only way to save them is to arm yourselves as exorcists and fight. _That is the only answer_. Every concern you have can only be answered by becoming an exorcist. If you refuse, you and your loved ones will die."

The villagers looked stricken. Unwilling to believe his words, they turned to the rest of the exorcists. Their sober expressions confirmed Kanda's words.

The girl finally gave in to her tears and the adults, overwhelmed, sat or kneeled as their world shifted on its foundation.

"Kanda…" Allen began. "You didn't have to…"

Silence fell upon the group with only the occasional sobs from the two youngest.

"But-" the girl hiccupped, finally speaking up. "But what about you? You're old enough to fight but too young to have a family of your own. How come you don't have to sacrifice anything?" she asked in honest confusion.

Kanda fought off a grimace. There was no way she could have known.

"I was eight when I left for the order."

That killed any argument.

"Well," Lavi exclaimed, in an attempt to break up the horrendous atmosphere, "no point in sticking around for much longer, huh? Come on, let's get going!"

Without further delay, Allen opened the door to the ark, and Lavi, Miranda and Bookman ushered everyone through. Kanda waited until everyone had entered before moving to the door.

"Kanda." Allen glared up at him. "You didn't have to scare them like that. There were other ways to convince them."

"And waste the entire day? We were already behind schedule and they weren't listening to anything you were saying, you idiot."

"Even so, we--"

"No, listen up bean sprout. If I hadn't told them, how would you have convinced them?"

Allen was silent

"Exactly. There was no other way, and not telling them would be an injustice. They need to know what is going on. Everyone needs to realize how close they are to losing everything, if only to appreciate what they have at the moment. Don't be so naïve to think everything has a happy ending."

Allen sighed and looked away. Satisfied that he'd made his point, Kanda continued through the door of the ark. As he made his way back to the Order's headquarters, he couldn't help but feel slightly disturbed by the look in Allen's eyes just then. They were full of an emotion he had been sure would never enter them. Defeat.


	3. Comfort

A/N: Unbeta'd. I just typed this and posted it immediately. Keep in mind, this entire story is Kanda-centric, so you only know what he knows. Spoilers for the manga, for those of you who have only watched the anime. Actually a lot of what happens is based heavily on events in the manga, so if there is some confusion, reading the manga would help. And please, for the love of God, review! I'm starting to feel like I'm writing this story for nothing, you know? Enjoy!

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**_Chapter 2_**

It was later the next day that Kanda really had to wonder when Allen ever got any sleep. On his way back from afternoon training, he overheard some finders milling about saying how relieved they were that the exorcists were back because they had been behind schedule. _What the hell? An overnight mission?_ That was perfectly acceptable in normal circumstances, but if Kanda wasn't mistaken, Allen was sent back out to the field no more than two hours after his own mission. _How the hell do they expect him to keep up?_

It was then Kanda found himself unceremoniously bowled over in a flurry of twiggy legs and a small squeak. After he was once again able to tell up from down, he quickly moved to disentangle himself from the mess of limbs, already mentally preparing a suitably scathing comment. That was until he noticed the chin-length silky hair and the soulful eyes looking up at him in consternation.

"Oh, Kanda! I'm so sorry I just ran you over like that. I really wasn't paying attention," Lenalee hastened to apologize.

"Hn." Truthfully, Kanda was annoyed, but given that she really seemed preoccupied, judging by the troubled look on her face, he was willing to overlook it.

Kanda extended his hand to help her up. "Thanks, Kanda."

Now able to look at her more closely, Kanda noticed Lenalee's eyes were slightly red, as though she had been crying. He hated it when she cried. "What happened?" he couldn't help but ask.

"Nothing, really," Lenalee tried to deny, but Kanda was quick to give her a stern look. Realizing she really had no choice, Lenalee sighed and looked at the rest of the people filling the hall she and Kanda were standing in. Their commotion had attracted some attention.

"Um, why don't you walk with me, Kanda? I'll tell you as we go." It was something serious then, Kanda thought, if she was worried about being overheard. After they had made it a good distance away from anyone who might have overheard, Lenalee nervously began to explain what had happened.

"I'm sure you know that me, Crowley, Marie, Allen, and Chaoji had a mission part of yesterday and all of last night, right?" Kanda nodded. "Well, we were delayed almost half a day. We were supposed to return very early this morning, but because some of us had been held up by akuma, we didn't get back until a little after noon. As soon as we got back, Levellier was waiting for us with some of those cloaked men. The Crow. As soon as we got back, Levellier ordered them to take Allen into custody. Just like that! And brother didn't even say anything! I was so mad and scared, I just had to do something!" Lenalee had to pause for a moment to pull herself together.

"So, I went straight to brother's office to wait for him and give him a piece of my mind for not doing anything and hopefully get him to explain what was going on. I had to wait a bit for him to show up, but when he did, he wasn't alone. Levellier was there. So… I hid." Lenalee drew into herself a bit. Kanda couldn't help but shake his head a little. After all this time, she was still deathly afraid of that man. Though, given her past, he supposed he couldn't blame her.

Lenalee went silent for a moment. When Kanda looked over at her, she seemed a moment away from either screaming or crying and was having a tough time figuring which one to do. Worried, Kanda stopped and placed a hand on her shoulder. He could feel tremors running through her body. She was extremely upset.

Kanda brought her to face him and placed his other hand on her other shoulder in an attempt to reassure her. "What happened?" he asked again quietly.

"…That man—no, he's not a man!—that _monster_ started talking about Allen and how, as a Noah, he should be exterminated!"

"What exactly was said? Were those his exact words?" Kanda wasn't too surprised at that, given Levellier's disposition and the standing order to kill Allen were he to turn into the Fourteenth.

"No, but that was essentially what he had said. Brother started out asking Levellier why he was so set on getting rid of Allen when he was proving to be nothing but a major asset. With Allen's help, the new format of missions, going to all parts of the world searching for innocence and exorcists systematically, has been making the Order that much stronger against the Millennium Earl. And especially lately, Central Command has been putting an excessive amount of pressure on him to work non-stop or be labeled a traitor, and he's been meeting every demand even at the cost of his own health! I mean, have you _seen_ him Kanda? When was the last time he's been allowed to eat much less sleep!?"

"Lenalee!" Kanda gave her a little shake. "What did Levellier _say_?"

"He said, asset or not, General level of innocence synchronization or not, there is too much of a risk of Allen becoming a traitor. That's why Link hasn't been following him anymore lately. He said it was too obvious that Allen wouldn't do anything suspicious with someone following him all the time, so it would be impossible to catch him and remove the threat."

"So?" Kanda was getting impatient. "Get to the point."

"So, the plan is for Central to take Allen into custody long enough for Crow to--" Kanda hastily threw a hand over her mouth. This was something they obviously weren't supposed to know and nothing good could come of someone overhearing or finding out they knew. For all he knew, the walls themselves could have ears as far as Crow was concerned.

Kanda quickly pulled her further along to an out of the way alcove no one knew about. He turned to her and gestured for her to continue, though quietly.

Lenalee continued in a whisper, "Crow is going to place a seal on Allen without his knowledge. The idea of it is that the seal will monitor his movements and will notify Central and the Crow that hold his seal to any unusual activity." Lenalee shuddered and tears began to stream down her face. "What makes it so bad is that once they are notified, they can torture Allen through the seal long enough to incapacitate him and take him into custody where they can legally execute him. Right now, Central, and Levellier especially, are just looking for excuses to get rid of him!" Lenalee finally gave in to the sobs she had been holding back and threw herself at Kanda's chest.

Kanda, however, just stood there in shock. _That central would really go so far just to get rid of that idiot…_

Lenalee's continued cries and slurred words brought him back to the present. "This is just terrible! Allen would never betray us! He hates the Earl just as much as anyone in the Order, if not more. He'd never give in to the Noah, and even if he did, he would fight tooth and nail to return to us!" Kanda had to agree. The boy was an idealistic pain in the ass, but he was truly determined and earnest in his fight against the Earl. He didn't deserve this.

Kanda brought his arms around the distressed girl and gave her a few minutes to let her emotions out. When Lenalee's cries began to subside, Kanda gently pried her off of his chest and lifted her chin. "So, where were you headed that you felt you had to mow people over to get to?"

Lenalee gave a weak laugh at Kanda's poor attempt to cheer her up, but coming from him,it really seemed he was worried about her. She sighed and turned to wipe the tears from her face. "I was going to try to find Lavi and see if he knows anything. He is a bookman after all, he would probably know more about what's going on, or at least where the Crow are keeping Allen at the moment. I'm hoping I'll get a chance to talk to Allen before they do anything to him."

"Hn." Kanda didn't believe for a minute that she or anyone else would be allowed to talk to the boy before Central got to him, though it wouldn't hurt to see what Lavi knew. "I'll help you find that stupid rabbit."

"Kanda! You know that's not nice! I wish you'd stop with that. Thank you, though."

"Whatever." Kanda turned to walk out of the little niche they had occupied to go look for the afore mentioned rabbit, when he was stopped by a gentle hand on his arm.

"Thanks for being there for me, Kanda. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been here to calm me down." Kanda frowned and looked away, uncomfortable as always with any kind of emotional response in regards to himself. He shrugged his shoulders and continued walking leaving Lenalee to try and catch up.

* * *

It was about half an hour later when Kanda and Lenalee finally found Lavi. They had searched most of the new headquarters before deciding that he would probably be in the restricted administrative part of the building. Thankfully they found him easily enough without getting caught. He turned to them in surprise.

"Hey guys! What are you doin' here?"

"Oh, nothing. Just looking for you," Lenalee said.

"Hmmm? And why do I get the feeling you guys snuck up here without permission?" Lavi sniggered. "Thinking of becoming a delinquent now, Yuu?"

"Don't call me that, stupid rabbit! I'm not in the mood to play games with you!"

"Oh! Yuu, you kill me with your cruel words! I'm too young to die!"

"Forget cruel words, I'll slice you with Mugen! It's a good day to die!"

"Boys, stop it!" Lenalee yelled. "We don't have time for this. Actually Lavi, we were looking for you to ask you a few things."

"Oh? What kind of things? Little things, big things, fat, skinny…?"

Lenalee looked up at Lavi with a serious expression. "Big things. Allen things."

Lavi immediately dropped is silly antics and looked sharply from her to Kanda. "You wouldn't be here if you didn't know what was going on."

Lenalee pulled Lavi's attention back to her by saying, "I overheard everything in brother's office. Levellier said what Central is planning to do to Allen."

Lavi frowned. "You didn't get caught did you? Are you sure you weren't seen?"

"I'm positive. Brother never bothered to really unpack all those boxes from when we moved from the old headquarters. They probably wouldn't have been able to find me if they tried." It was true. Kanda had seen Komui's office. It was so disorganized and had boxes stacked so high, he wouldn't be surprised if an entire army was hiding out in there. Komui's old office was perfectly ordered compared to the utter train wreck this one was.

"Good. You guys could get into huge trouble knowing what you do. Don't tell anyone else. It's too dangerous."

"But Lavi, we were hoping--" Kanda cleared his throat, "Ok, _I_ was hoping to talk to Allen before the Crow gets a chance to do anything to him," Lenalee said.

Lavi shook his head. "Look, they would never let you in to talk to him, and even you knowing where he is would get you in major trouble. And that's not taking into consideration that they most likely have already done it. They probably did it at the same time they sealed Allen's innocence to take him into custody. The way these guys are, it wouldn't surprise me."

Kanda swore under his breath and Lenalee let out a soft gasp. "No!"

Lavi just looked away.

"But it's wrong! We can't just let this happen, Lavi!" she cried.

"There's nothing we can do about it now, except to be there for Allen when we can." Kanda couldn't remember the last time he had seen Lavi so subdued.

"I should get going," Lavi sighed. "I'm actually supposed to be there when the Central commanders talk to Allen as Jr. Bookman." He paused for a moment, then looked at Lenalee and said, "Technically, I'm not allowed to tell you anything about what happens in that room, but what you find out for yourself is free game. I'll take you guys to where the meeting is gonna be, but it's up to you to eavesdrop without getting caught."

Lenalee smiled hopefully up at Lavi. "You'd do that for us?"

"Are you kidding? What on earth are friends for?" Lavi grinned. Kanda just shook his head. _This guy really is an idiot._

Without any further delays, Lavi led the two to the corner of the hallway leading to the conference room. "Wait until I've been in there for at least ten minutes. They will wait until me and Panda-man are ready to take records before bringing Allen in. Just remember. Don't. Get. Caught."

The entire ten minutes Lenalee and Kanda were left to wait, Lenalee nervously bounced from foot to foot, nearly driving Kanda up the wall. He ended up grabbing her arms to hold her body still. "Stop that. It's almost time anyway."

Peering around the corner to the door Lavi had disappeared into, Kanda was surprised to note there were no guards. Instantly suspicious, Kanda made sure to look for golems that could be recording their movements. There weren't any. Something wasn't right here. Kanda looked back at Lenalee and told her to wait there while he checked out the hallway. There were no seals that he could see in the floors, walls or ceiling, and no windows or mirrors for people to look through. No loud sounds were coming from the room, so chances were they weren't sabotaged by an attack from the Earl. Finally deciding it was safe enough, Kanda motioned to Lenalee to come listen at the door. At first all they could hear were low murmurs. It took a while before they heard anything of interest.

"Hear that?" Lenalee whispered, referring to a new murmur with a distinct voice. "That sounds like Allen."

Kanda strained his hearing to try to catch some words.

"…know… called here?"

A noise that sounded like a no, and some more murmurs that Kanda couldn't quite catch.

"…noticed Link…behavior…Noah."

"I would never…such a thing!"

"That…control ark…suspicious enough."

The voices were getting louder.

"…had no idea…such a thing! You commanded me…the ark. I'm…a Noah!"

"…not. If you weren't…General Cross's disappearance… suspicion. We can't… chances with you."

"…know I'd never…betray the Order."

"…believe doesn't matter. The fact…you…Fourteenth."

"No!" Kanda imagined he could hear Allen was close to tears.

"Link…no longer…. However, know that… still…constant supervision. …moment there is _any_…can be sure…executed, whether…turned or not."

"No! …can't do this!" Lenalee turned away from the door, her face deathly white.

_Shit! What the hell is going on?_ Why would Central go to such lengths…? As Kanda followed Lenalee as she ran away, Kanda had a sinking feeling that maybe they _had_ wanted people to eavesdrop, but for the life of him, he couldn't imagine why.

* * *

Later that evening, as Kanda was walking back to his quarters, he reflected on the events that had happened earlier. He was heavily disturbed by Central's handling of Allen's situation. That kid, though it pained him to admit it, had a good heart and he couldn't help but feel that this was a huge injustice done to a great exorcist. Shaking his head, Kanda figured there was nothing he could do about it, so he might as well just keep it out of mind. It was none of his business anyway.

As he passed the restrooms, Kanda heard a noise that brought him out of his thoughts. It sounded like someone inside was having trouble breathing. Kanda prepared to open the door when a familiar voice stopped him. "I can't do this anymore…" He heard a small series of gasps when he finally realized two things. One it was Allen, and two… he was crying.

Sighing, Kanda braced himself before going in. He couldn't just leave the brat like that.

Allen immediately looked up as the door opened, letting Kanda take in his disheveled appearance and tear-stained face. Unsure as to what he should do, Kanda just stood there as Allen turned his face and began scrubbing his face free of tears.

"What the hell are you just standing there for? Aren't you going to make fun of me?" Allen demanded. Kanda maintained his silence. "Huh, that's a first. Not going to say I'm just a soft, naïve idiot who cries like a woman, or an idealistic bean sprout that can't do anything right? Must be an off day for you," Allen tried to play off.

Kanda wouldn't have it.

"What happened?"

Allen rolled his eyes and gave a desperation laden laugh as he replied, "Like you care! And even if you did, what the hell makes you think something's wrong?" completely disregarding the fact that Kanda had caught him crying.

"Don't take me for an idiot. I know something is wrong." Kanda stepped forward and rested a hand on Allen's shoulder. "What is it?" he quietly asked.

Allen looked up at him in complete disbelief. "Who the hell are you, and what have you done with Kanda? The Kanda I know is a complete bastard, so you're doing a really bad impersonation of him, by the way."

"…Allen." Hearing his name stopped Allen short. Kanda never really said his name. Hearing him say his name so softly brought down all of Allen's defenses.

Allen closed his eyes and bowed his head. "I…" he began shakily, "I just can't--!" Allen stopped suddenly as though his breath had caught in his throat and tears made their way back into his eyes. He tried to take a deep breath to continue, but failed as his face twisted and the sobs he had held back when Kanda came in burst forth.

"I just can't do this anymore! They're constantly sending me on missions one right after another just waiting for me to break-- And then they say my behavior is too perfect!--and they know I can't refuse because they'd arrest me as a traitor if I don't do everything they tell me to. And they don't even call me by name anymore, its always exorcist, or Fourteenth, or Noah! Like I have a choice when it comes to controlling the ark! They're the ones that keep telling me to! And they keep circling me and watching me like they want me to mess up--! They're just looking for an excuse to get rid of me. They think I don't know, but--! God!"

Allen's entire form began to shake. He moved to rest his head on Kanda's chest. _What is it with people crying on me today_, Kanda wondered as he reflexively brought his arms around the quivering boy.

"They want to kill me, I know it, and for something I can't help. It's not like I want this! I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore! It's always there! Why, damnit? Why did he do this to me? I loved him… Why did Mana hate me so much as to--? Damnit! I know he didn't hate me, but--! And Cross, what the hell am I supposed to do without him? They think I killed him, too! I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do! Master Cross would know, and he just chose this time to disappear? I know I'm being set up, but I can't do anything about it, why isn't he here? I can't--! I can't do this alone," he ended in a whisper.

Kanda couldn't understand anything from Allen's rambling, though at the moment he decided it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Allen somehow got pulled together; his understanding could come later.

"You are not alone," he told Allen, and pulled him tighter to his chest. Allen's response was to cry harder into his neck and fist his hands into Kanda's shirt.

As Kanda waited for Allen to cry himself out, he had to admit to himself that he had severely underestimated Allen. He was going through a lot more than he had realized. Apparently there was much more in his past than Kanda was aware of.

When Allen had finally calmed down, Kanda found himself hyper-aware of the current situation. He could feel Allen's heavy breath on his neck and his soft hair brushing against his collar. Allen's lithe body was pressed so close, Kanda could actually feel his heartbeat. Suddenly uncomfortable, Kanda gently pried Allen's hands from his shirt and took a step back.

Allen looked up at him eyes still tear-glazed and face flushed. "Thank you, Kanda." Allen gave him a shy smile, full of gratitude.

Kanda could feel a blush of his own crawling up his cheeks, and looked away wondering why on earth he was so embarrassed.

* * *

That next morning, Kanda was unsurprised to find Allen, Lavi, and Lenalee sitting together in the dining hall. Lenalee immediately caught sight of him and waved him over.

"Yuu!" Lavi yelled out, when he saw who Lenalee was waving to. "Come over here man, and tell Allen just how crazy he is!"

Kanda walked up to the table and looked at the three. Allen looked frustrated while Lavi and Lenalee looked angry. Not sure what to expect, he turned to Lavi and asked, "Just how crazy is he?"

Before Lavi could answer Allen cut him off. "I'm not crazy at all! You just don't understand what it is I'm asking!"

"We know exactly what you're asking Allen!" Lenalee said with startling vehemence. "You're asking us to kill you!"

"No, I'm asking you to keep me from dying a criminal's death! And that's only _if_ I become a Noah! I would rather have you guys kill me than to be executed by the Order."

"There is no way you can ask us to do that! We're your friends, not your executioners!"

Ah. So that was the situation. Kanda watched the three continue to argue. Lavi and Lenalee obviously didn't understand how important it was to Allen, or if they did, they didn't agree with it. It would be a comfort to him if they gave such a promise, not a burden. Kanda watched as a muted desperation began to show itself in Allen's eyes. Before he could stop himself, Kanda found himself speaking up.

"Che. Fine, I'll do it." Lavi and Lenalee's yells and protests stopped for a moment, then turned immediately to Kanda, but all Kanda noticed was Allen's look of relief. Allen met his eyes and gave him a small smile in thanks. Remembering Allen's smile the night before, Kanda turned and walked away, unwilling to acknowledge the feelings that rose within him at the sight of Allen's soft smile.


End file.
